Strange Relationship

How was your weekend?

I had a bit of a crazy weekend. Remember that crazy guy I was seeing/all upset about in the fall? Well, J, put on your battle helmet: I need some life coaching once again. Sigh. Think I told you that we met up once in December, then he was being all flaky about getting together again. ANYWAY, was out on a date with one dude on Friday, at this packed bar, and long story short, ran into him and made out with him a whole bunch (guy I was on the date with didn’t see, thank Christ, but still….). So, anyway, long story, I’ll tell it if you wanna hear it, but basically we slept together yesterday. I dunno, he’s just so weird and contradictory and wants me until he knows he can have me, then doesn’t care, and I can’t believe I fell for it again. So yeah, a bit pissed off at myself for that.

Ok, so is the sex good with him? Do YOU need more? Maybe he should just be your booty call or something. The hot-messed-up-needy-distant types are great for that. Why the drama? I mean, I remember the issues, but perhaps if you step back you'll see that he's really just hot for you and isn't mature enough to handle more. In that case, can you handle it being that type of relationship? Maybe that would work for the both of you. I'd like to read the stinging email if it was your best work ever, and I do wonder, what happened to the guy you were on a DATE with? Sheesh! You sluoooot! Love it though.

OK, so the story. Buckle your seatbelt. Haha. Yes, the sex is good, granted. But the thing is the constant push-n-pull from him is too annoying to deal with. Here’s what happened over the weekend (never mind what happened over Xmas, which was basically more of the same…..anyway): Friday, see him at the bar, he’s all flirty, we make out, he’s practically BEGGING me to come home with him, I say I can’t, that I have plans. He asks me to go skiing on Sunday (he’s like “Come, please! I’ll pay for you!”), I say it’s a busy weekend, but to call me sometime soon, I’d like to see him. He flips out. Starts being all like “Do you enjoy this? Do you enjoy having me ask you to do things, putting myself out there, and then shooting me down?” I ask him if he’s serious, and when I realize that he is (and after asking him if he’s on coke….seriously, it was a huge, sudden mood shift), I’m like “Look, I have plans, I can’t just dump my friends because I ran into you.” He calms down. I say that I’d like to hang out with him, as long as he doesn’t stand me up. He’s like “I NEVER stood you up. I’d gotten back from Europe, I was jetlagged and was happy just having a quiet night at home, hanging out with my cats, and you didn’t like that, and I didn’t think that was fair.” I say “Well, I didn’t think it was fair that you’d been e-mailing me for 2 weeks telling me how much you missed me, then when I showed up, you didn’t give a shit.” He calms down, seems to be rational again. Anyway, I leave, and figure that it seems like he wants to do things with me now, and we’ve gotten that big elephant in the corner out of the way, maybe things will be normal.

Sooooo, he ends up not going skiing on Sunday, so we make plans to meet. I show up at the meeting place, and he’s acting disinterested, tells me how much he has to do that day, and after 20 minutes, offers to drive me home. Seriously. So we go back to my place, and he says that he’s never seen my apartment, so I invite him up. Pretty clear where things are going, right? We start making out, and he’s like “Actually, I’m not feeling very sexual right now.” WTF? Then he’s like “You know, I feel like you get emotionally attached to me and want a relationship and that’s not what I want. I mean, I think you’re hot and smart, but really, you seem nervous all the time.” Whatever. When he says the part about me getting emotionally attached, I ask him if he was ever emotionally involved, and he’s like “Well, I dunno, I can’t really remember…” We have sex anyway. As soon as we’re done, he’s like “OK, my parking is almost up, I gotta go….and clean yourself up, you’re a mess.”

So yeah, at first I’m like, “OK, I wanted to get laid, I got what I wanted,” then after a while, I’m just pissed off at how self-absorbed he is. Here’s the e-mail I sent, lemme know what you think:

Hey man,

I know this is out of the blue, but I figure that since it's been bothering me, best to get it out there. I know I told you to call me sometime, but really, don't bother. I keep trying to be friendly with you, and you somehow keep interpreting that as wanting a relationship. Honestly, if you don't want a relationship, then don't invite me on skiing trips with you, and get upset with me when I say I can't go. I hope you can understand why that would be a bit misleading.

Anyway, I keep getting the impression that you want me until you know you can have me, and then you don't care, and it's gotten to be pretty frustrating. I've been hoping that you could be normal, decide what you want and not act like a confused 14-year-old, but it seems like that's not about to happen. I gotta say, your behaviour has been pretty lame, considering that it's coming from a man in his late 30s.Anyway, yeah, hate to have to be an asshole, but it seems like each time I get together with you, I come away feeling more and more pissed off at your arrogance. Hope you don't hate me for this, but I feel like I've tried too hard to be a good guy and I consistently end up being shit on for it. Signed, Me.


So yeah, there’s what happened. Think I’m nuts? Or he is? Think I said the right thing? As always, your advice/observations will be rewarded with many drinks and dinner. (I think I owe you like, 17 dinners at this point. Better start collecting soon! )


goood loooorrrd

so much drama!

what the fuck is with this guy, seriously? God, he's so NEEDY and so DRAMATIC. I can see why the lovin' is good. But none the less, my real thought is this,...I read ONE issue of Oprah magazine ever. It was the summer when I lived at home for 3 months before getting my job here and helping with my G-Pa. I spent a lot of that summer in an introspective state of mind, laying in the back yard, suntanning, eating salads I had all the time in the world to make, reading and swimming. I was also the thinnest I've ever been, but that's just an aside, no consequence other than to point out that I know why rich people are thin. ANYHOO.

I read an article in that issue about psychological projection - you project onto other people the things you most dislike about yourself, either things you realize you hate or those that you don't. For example, people who talk a lot (ie: me) tend to get annoyed when someone else hoggs the talking time. It's SO true. Someone who bitches all the time about hating the way people complain a lot.

YOU KNOW?

it's so true.
And so I wonder if this is a classic case of this? This guys says: “Do you enjoy this? Do you enjoy having me ask you to do things, putting myself out there, and then shooting me down?” but then DOES IT TO YOU!? You put yourself out there, agree to his plans, meet him for 20 friggin minutes and then he shoots you down. I think what is really happening is that he WANTS you to want a relationship with him so he can turn you down. I don't think it's arrogance, it's deep seeded insecurity, though that usually comes across as arrogance.

My only complaint about your well written piss-off note is that you say sorry too much. Not literally, but your tone is sorry. Why are you sorry? Unless you are like "Sorry you are an asshole, sorry you are beyond help!" that is one thing but, "Hope you don't hate me for this" is sorta like, "You suck, but I still want you to like me, in case i run into you later."

Try this last-paragraph re-write on for size, let me know how this rubs you.

"The thing is, each time I get together with you, I come away feeling more pissed off at your arrogance and idiocy. I've tried hard to be a good guy and I consistently end up being shit on for it. Don't bother calling me again."

BTW: no payment req'd, I live for this crap.

I fucking love you. Seriously. I’m gonna make up fake boyfriends and fake drama just so that I can get notes like this. Actually, confession: Josh doesn’t actually exist. OK, kidding.

No, I think you’re totally right about the whole projection thing. Here’s my various thoughts about him

1) He actually DOES want a relationship but instead of admitting to himself that he’s just too fucked up to have a proper one, blames ME for coming on too strong (and really, I think the most extreme relationship-ish thing I said to him the other day was “Hey, it’s good to see you, I missed ya, kid”…..is that really clingy? I don’t think so)
2) What you say about wanting me to want a relationship with him is kinda what I was getting at with the whole bit about “You want me until you know you can have me…..” Seriously, I think that IS the behaviour of a teenage boy who just wants attention, right?
3) There’s so much more I could say, but I’m kinda distracted by work. Ugh.

Anyway, I like your rewrite, but the e-mail was actually sent the other day. Probably can’t take it back to make it better. Haha.

And yeah, it’s kinda my thing that I do where I really don’t want to be a dick, so I’m apologetic. Because really, it’s childish, but I still wanna be the nice guy, even when I’m not being the nice guy, ya know? Eh, whatever…..

I’m very curious to know what he thought of that e-mail, though. My friend John was like “Well, he’ll read into it what he wants. So, I’m sure he’s thinking ‘He wants a relationship and I don’t, and this is his way of getting back at me’”. I think he’s right, unfortunately.

I do wonder, why are you wasting so much energy on this fellow? One must learn to get over losers quickly, it saves time for pining for loves-lost when it is actually worth your energy, non? I doubt you are clingy or weird, it sure seems like him if you know what I mean, he seems like a nutcase; end of story. Or is it? Have you heard from him since your email?

I think there are a lot of possibilites here, for all you know he COULD be a paranoid schitzo. Whatever, it's possible, and it would explain a lot. More importantly, what did you take from the whole experience?

Why am I wasting so much time? Well, he's hot. Like, really hot. Although I’ve got to learn that hot does not override crazy, ya know?

I guess that’s probably the big lesson here.

And no, haven’t heard from him at all, have seen him online, but don’t really expect to hear from him, either. Whatever, the more I think about it, the more I think my first point is correct, and he’s just terrified of the relationship because it might mean he has to, ya know, TRUST someone and think about someone other than himself. I think I’ve just been thinking about this a lot because a) I know I’ll see him around, it would just be easier to have him disappear, but that’s not gonna happen, and b) I HAVE seen him be a good guy, and can’t understand why he seems to choose to be a dick….but anyway…..

Thanks for the pic. He does have a nice bum.