So have you seen the VMA promos feat Russell Brand and Brit? She looks good dude. Like, seriously. A miraculous recovery by anyone's standards> Which really makes me think either A) I was right with my theory or B) it was drug use all along that they are trying to make look like bipolar disorder. Like, if my theory is right, it still could be right to a certain point, that she was going to destroy her image, and got caught up in it, and got in way deeper than she thought. Like what if she was one of those recreational users of E who thought she 'couldn't' get addicted, and then did, and was in denial, and then had the svengali step in when she was vulnerable and start drugging her with perscription meds, first with her permission, then later, beyond her control. Like, to a point this was her plan, but it got away from her? I wonder. I don't think we'll ever really know. but I'm more inclined to say drugs right at the moment then anything else. And psychotropic drugs, in particular, cause that explains staying up all night, erratic behavior, thinking dressing weird is funny, not believing yourself to be addicted, etc.
Britney, as usual, I don’t know. I think you know far more about it than I do, I mean, I know what happens day-to-day, but I forget a lot of the things once they’re more than about a week old, you know? Anyway, the recovery IS pretty remarkable. I’m just surprised that people are interested. Like, they loved when she was falling over the edge, and people were shit-talking her constantly, I’m kind of surprised those same people are so willing to turn around and support her again. How does that happen? Like, I think if Michael Jackson were to all of a sudden pull it all together and put out a good album and do a huge PR turnaround, I don’t think that people would look at him and give him any sort of praise. I wonder why Britney gets away with it.
Short answer? Britney is not a child molestor.
Long answer? MJ has done WAY WAY more crazy things than Brit. I mean, brit shaved her head, looked like shit, and gained 15 lbs. For like, a year. Is looking like shit on paparazzi websites really all that damaging? She's going to win her first MTV award this year! (well, one assumes she will since she's nominated, like, in every category...and jesus, they have to guarantee her presense somehow...) MJ has been bleaching his skin white since the 80s! He's had like 8 nose jobs! Two child molestation cases! A FUCKING AMUSEMENT PARK FOR A HOUSE! Videos with Macaulay Culkin in them!? He is like, beyond insane. No one can come back from that.
Britney see, she can be saved. America WANTS to save her. America LOVES Britney. You are forgetting what there was PRE Britney. Let me remind you: NIRVANA.
Sigh. The early ninetys were so depressing. Then like a ray of pop music sunshine Britney saved us all from taking life so damn seriously. Most people HATED it at the time (myself included) but as time went on, who didn't love Britney? Everyone loved her. Even Madonna.
Though nowadays that vote of confidence seems a little ....well...crappy, since she also said she likes Katy Perry (an aside, how one hit wonder is Katy Perry going to be? ha!) The thing is, before this, arguably before the Matt Lauer interview, Britney was *perfect*...no image flaws whatsoever, other than maybe being kinda dumb. But this has solved even that flaw...now she's not dumb, she's deep. She's troubled. There's more to her then you see. At least this is what they want you to think!
America LOVES a comeback, they'll be there for Whitney, they'll be there for Britney. Unfortunately, I think MJ is beyond all hope. Unless he suddenly looks black again. And changes the names of his children from Blanket and Prince Micheal to something normal.
OK, maybe MJ is a bad example, but Whitney?? I REALLY don’t know that people will be there for Whitney. I think she’s been out of the spotlight for too long. I mean, I see what you’re saying about America loving a comeback, but really, I just wonder how they pick the people to love, because let’s face it, EVERYONE fades from the spotlight at some point, and 90% of those people try to have a comeback.
So why does it work for one person, and fail for so many other people? I think a lot of people disappear because of addiction or mental illness, but THEIR comebacks aren’t necessarily celebrated. It’s just bizarre to me, and I can’t believe how openly fickle people can be when it comes to her. I know she’s a celebrity, therefore you CAN be fickle, but it still just is kind of weird how nobody’s batting an eyelash at the new, improved Britney.
Yeah. Whitney - I think people will be there for her too. She'll prolly get some Dianne Warren penned crap produced by Babyface and Clive Davis, sometime around Xmas and everyone will love it. They'll say 'she's back" "she's a survivor"!
I think the common thread between Whitney and Britney is that people think their downfall wasn't their fault. In both cases, the public blames a douchebag boyfriend/husband for the troubles. Therefore not only can you forgive them, you can forget, and chalk it up to the dumb men. Especially women. Because while lots of men love Britney, the women, and gay men, really support these acts. Maybe that's a commonality too - they are acts that gay men love. And gay men, being underdogs themselves, love to cheer on underdogs even MORE than straight women. And all straight women have had a douchebag boyfriend at somepoint, so they can "relate", and live vicariously through the comebacks. I mean, just THINK of all the musical acts that would have fallen off the face of the earth if it wasn't for gay culture!
I feel like a lot of comeback attempts are hard to remember just BECAUSE they failed so badly, but I think that Tina Turner tries with each new album to become famous again, Diana Ross (of course), Jewel…..I dunno, my brain’s not too sharp today, but I really don’t think Whitney’s comeback is gonna hold. I think she’ll be in the news for a month, the first single will be semi-successful, but the album will still tank, and part of it will probably be because of poor decision making on the part of the producers.
I bet they’ll still try to market her as some sort of adult dance-pop, when really, she’s too old and has been through too much to be making frivolous music for a younger crowd. I could be wrong, but I’m picturing something along the lines of Janet Jackson’s last album (although I don’t think Whitney’s people would be so foolish as to think that TEENAGERS would buy her album, they’ll still create those dance-lite beats of I’m Every Woman and songs like that).
Come to think of it, it’s too bad I’m Every Woman was released pre-crack addiction…..that would be an AWESOME comeback single.
Jewel for SURE. Amazing how long that one hit wonder has carried her. Whitney would be wise to do old school sounding R&B along the lines of Winehouse but what do I know?
Maybe it will be like Cher's "Do you Believe in Life after love" album?
Hmmm, it’s hard to say what Whitney will sound like considering her voice is probably totally f*cked after the abuse she’s put herself through, but I think if she sounds anything remotely like what she used to sound like, she’ll enunciate too perfectly to be a Winehouse. But hey, what are the chances she sounds like what she used to, right?
Oh man, Jewel’s hilarious. I feel like she’s such a symbol of how every singer thought they were an artiste in the 90s, when really they just wrote total crap about what it felt like to be dumped.
Yeah, I know that maybe the whitney-winehouse thing is a stretch, but I guess what I mean is maybe electro-dance backing is not the rihgt thing for her anymore, like maybe a more soulful analog sound would be better for her, especially if her voice is less than stellar these days. they certainly are taking their time putting the album together so who knows what will happen? I think they are still trying to figure out if she can stay clean and actually do a performance.
Its really looking like brit brit is doing the VMAs closing performance. I dont' know what i think of that. lord I hope she is better and kills that shit. the best part is you know they are going to make it the last performance so you have to watch the entire stupid show.
I have to admit I’M curious about what Whitney'd put out these days. I can’t imagine it would be super interesting, but still, I’d gawk momentarily…..:)
Oh yeah, Brit'll HAVE to do the VMAs now. There’s so much anticipation around it, it has to happen. And she WILL kill it, because her comeback is in full swing. I can’t imagine she’d pull it together this much and then be crap at her biggest performance of the year, ya know?
Supposedly Larry Rudolph said to Ryan Seacrest this AM that Britney is 'unequivocally' not doing the VMAs but to be honest I'm not sure. It was apparently an email and he refers to her throughout as "bs" instead of Britney. Also MTV is saying they are having a 'surprise final performance' so ....last week her hairdresser leaks to the media that she IS doing it. then this week her manager denys it in an email in which he calls her BS. Could it be they are trying to really make it a surprise? At very least keep us talking and wondering about the vmas themselves... She's the most nominated person this year, but she's like the susan lucci of the vmas, she's never won anything.
Bastards.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Before the VMAs
Who uses their exhusband's producer? stupid! I see that Britney is using one of the same ones on her new album as Kfed did.
Yeah man, baaaaaaaaad idea. So, looking at the Wikipedia entry for this, it looks like it’ll sound like………a Britney Spears album. That’s too bad, I was rooting for her (you convinced me.) And also: she’s calling the album “Fears Within”???? I REALLY hope that it’ll have some sort of classic Iron Maiden-grim reaper thing on the cover, it’s the only thing that could possibly work with that title. Haha.
It is a terrible name. I didn't realize that was the title of her NEW album, god Wikipedia is up to speed aren't they?
I have a feeling that title will change. Definitely not a pop album title. Someone’s gonna talk her out of it, I’m sure. What would YOU call her album?
Hmm, good question, doll.
Britney Spears: The Pink Album
Thats the best i got right now.
The Pink Album, hmmm…..I think it could work. What about “Don’t Call It A Comeback.”? Maybe that could just be used as the tagline for the promo materials. Whaddya think?
Hmm. I like your Don't Call it a Comeback...but LL Cool J might get upset. What is the opposite of a comeback? A followup? Hmm. Follow has negative implications...hmm.
How about :
Britney Spears " Sabbatical " (too highbrow I guess)
Britney Spears " Ignite "
Britney Spears " Make It " or "Make Up"
Well, according to thesaurus.com, the opposite of a comeback is “decline, degeneration, failure, regression.” Somehow, I don’t think that would get past marketing. I think a minor feud with LL would only help her cause, one more headline. Ya know?
I like “Ignite,” though. Or maybe “Ignition”? What about “Playing With Fire”? HAHAHAHA.
It’s funny, thinking about it now, it seems like all of those chicks that sing all have similar album titles. And every album is either marketed as a radical reinvention, or a return to their roots. I’d love to see one of them come out with an album and be like “Yeah, well, it kinda sounds like my last album. I mean, it’s better, but if you liked that one, you’ll like this one.” Ya know?
How about Britney Spears "The Chandelier Album" and then have a pic of her panties hanging from a chandelier. Then she can pretend all of the recent bru-ha-ha is meerly promo for her album.
The Chandelier Album, hey? Only if the pic is taken from above the chandelier looking down on Brit, who’s looking up at the chandelier with an expression that says both “Those are my panties, isn’t that hot?” and “How the hell am I gonna get my panties off that fucking chandelier???” Haha. Or how about this title: “New Drapes/No Carpet.” Heh
No drapes no carpet. You are soooooooo funnnnyyyy. But I'm serious, I think the chandelier idea isn't bad. Chandeliers are totally hot in decor at the moment, all the super swanky clubs have them. I should know, I was in two on the weekend, RockWood and Light. UGH. I danced to Brooke Hogan, and I feel dirty. Fortunately I did not pay the (TWENTY DOLLAR!) cover at either spot nor did I buy my drinks. Good times, too bad they were such terrible terrible clubs. Nicely decorated tho.
You were in super swank clubs this weekend? What was the occasion? Or was there an occasion? And who’s Brooke Hogan?? Man, I feel so out of the loop sometimes when I talk to you. Haha. And $20 cover is risiculous, as Fergie would say.
Brooke Hogan is Hulk Hogans daughter. She has a song. Called "about us" with Paul Wall. It's terrible. She's like, 14 or some crap.
We were Rena's date, she had VIP passes for both, and took us out with her super upscale work friends. She works at a swanky hair salon in the West village. it was quite the experience. they had Appetizers! Weird. I felt very out of place. All the italian men looked terrified of the women, who were dressed like complete skanks. At Light Rena and I befriended the very gay very cute bartender, who clearly liked us cause we were the least skanky and most polite girls there, he gave us free shooters all night. Which did numb the pain of the music a bit.
Hey, isn’t there some new Osbournes-style show about the Hogans on TV now? Gawd, I can’t believe TV these days, it simultaneously gets a lot better and a lot worse. Unbelievable.
Wow, you hung out with upscale hairdressers? Haha. That’s hilarious. But hey, can’t beat free shots! I had the most boring weekend of my life. Got slutty, though, which is always fun. Wait, I just noticed something: you find appetizers swank? Man, next time we go out, we’ll get an appetizer. It’ll be fun. :P
Yeah man, baaaaaaaaad idea. So, looking at the Wikipedia entry for this, it looks like it’ll sound like………a Britney Spears album. That’s too bad, I was rooting for her (you convinced me.) And also: she’s calling the album “Fears Within”???? I REALLY hope that it’ll have some sort of classic Iron Maiden-grim reaper thing on the cover, it’s the only thing that could possibly work with that title. Haha.
It is a terrible name. I didn't realize that was the title of her NEW album, god Wikipedia is up to speed aren't they?
I have a feeling that title will change. Definitely not a pop album title. Someone’s gonna talk her out of it, I’m sure. What would YOU call her album?
Hmm, good question, doll.
Britney Spears: The Pink Album
Thats the best i got right now.
The Pink Album, hmmm…..I think it could work. What about “Don’t Call It A Comeback.”? Maybe that could just be used as the tagline for the promo materials. Whaddya think?
Hmm. I like your Don't Call it a Comeback...but LL Cool J might get upset. What is the opposite of a comeback? A followup? Hmm. Follow has negative implications...hmm.
How about :
Britney Spears " Sabbatical " (too highbrow I guess)
Britney Spears " Ignite "
Britney Spears " Make It " or "Make Up"
Well, according to thesaurus.com, the opposite of a comeback is “decline, degeneration, failure, regression.” Somehow, I don’t think that would get past marketing. I think a minor feud with LL would only help her cause, one more headline. Ya know?
I like “Ignite,” though. Or maybe “Ignition”? What about “Playing With Fire”? HAHAHAHA.
It’s funny, thinking about it now, it seems like all of those chicks that sing all have similar album titles. And every album is either marketed as a radical reinvention, or a return to their roots. I’d love to see one of them come out with an album and be like “Yeah, well, it kinda sounds like my last album. I mean, it’s better, but if you liked that one, you’ll like this one.” Ya know?
How about Britney Spears "The Chandelier Album" and then have a pic of her panties hanging from a chandelier. Then she can pretend all of the recent bru-ha-ha is meerly promo for her album.
The Chandelier Album, hey? Only if the pic is taken from above the chandelier looking down on Brit, who’s looking up at the chandelier with an expression that says both “Those are my panties, isn’t that hot?” and “How the hell am I gonna get my panties off that fucking chandelier???” Haha. Or how about this title: “New Drapes/No Carpet.” Heh
No drapes no carpet. You are soooooooo funnnnyyyy. But I'm serious, I think the chandelier idea isn't bad. Chandeliers are totally hot in decor at the moment, all the super swanky clubs have them. I should know, I was in two on the weekend, RockWood and Light. UGH. I danced to Brooke Hogan, and I feel dirty. Fortunately I did not pay the (TWENTY DOLLAR!) cover at either spot nor did I buy my drinks. Good times, too bad they were such terrible terrible clubs. Nicely decorated tho.
You were in super swank clubs this weekend? What was the occasion? Or was there an occasion? And who’s Brooke Hogan?? Man, I feel so out of the loop sometimes when I talk to you. Haha. And $20 cover is risiculous, as Fergie would say.
Brooke Hogan is Hulk Hogans daughter. She has a song. Called "about us" with Paul Wall. It's terrible. She's like, 14 or some crap.
We were Rena's date, she had VIP passes for both, and took us out with her super upscale work friends. She works at a swanky hair salon in the West village. it was quite the experience. they had Appetizers! Weird. I felt very out of place. All the italian men looked terrified of the women, who were dressed like complete skanks. At Light Rena and I befriended the very gay very cute bartender, who clearly liked us cause we were the least skanky and most polite girls there, he gave us free shooters all night. Which did numb the pain of the music a bit.
Hey, isn’t there some new Osbournes-style show about the Hogans on TV now? Gawd, I can’t believe TV these days, it simultaneously gets a lot better and a lot worse. Unbelievable.
Wow, you hung out with upscale hairdressers? Haha. That’s hilarious. But hey, can’t beat free shots! I had the most boring weekend of my life. Got slutty, though, which is always fun. Wait, I just noticed something: you find appetizers swank? Man, next time we go out, we’ll get an appetizer. It’ll be fun. :P
Strange Relationship
How was your weekend?
I had a bit of a crazy weekend. Remember that crazy guy I was seeing/all upset about in the fall? Well, J, put on your battle helmet: I need some life coaching once again. Sigh. Think I told you that we met up once in December, then he was being all flaky about getting together again. ANYWAY, was out on a date with one dude on Friday, at this packed bar, and long story short, ran into him and made out with him a whole bunch (guy I was on the date with didn’t see, thank Christ, but still….). So, anyway, long story, I’ll tell it if you wanna hear it, but basically we slept together yesterday. I dunno, he’s just so weird and contradictory and wants me until he knows he can have me, then doesn’t care, and I can’t believe I fell for it again. So yeah, a bit pissed off at myself for that.
Ok, so is the sex good with him? Do YOU need more? Maybe he should just be your booty call or something. The hot-messed-up-needy-distant types are great for that. Why the drama? I mean, I remember the issues, but perhaps if you step back you'll see that he's really just hot for you and isn't mature enough to handle more. In that case, can you handle it being that type of relationship? Maybe that would work for the both of you. I'd like to read the stinging email if it was your best work ever, and I do wonder, what happened to the guy you were on a DATE with? Sheesh! You sluoooot! Love it though.
OK, so the story. Buckle your seatbelt. Haha. Yes, the sex is good, granted. But the thing is the constant push-n-pull from him is too annoying to deal with. Here’s what happened over the weekend (never mind what happened over Xmas, which was basically more of the same…..anyway): Friday, see him at the bar, he’s all flirty, we make out, he’s practically BEGGING me to come home with him, I say I can’t, that I have plans. He asks me to go skiing on Sunday (he’s like “Come, please! I’ll pay for you!”), I say it’s a busy weekend, but to call me sometime soon, I’d like to see him. He flips out. Starts being all like “Do you enjoy this? Do you enjoy having me ask you to do things, putting myself out there, and then shooting me down?” I ask him if he’s serious, and when I realize that he is (and after asking him if he’s on coke….seriously, it was a huge, sudden mood shift), I’m like “Look, I have plans, I can’t just dump my friends because I ran into you.” He calms down. I say that I’d like to hang out with him, as long as he doesn’t stand me up. He’s like “I NEVER stood you up. I’d gotten back from Europe, I was jetlagged and was happy just having a quiet night at home, hanging out with my cats, and you didn’t like that, and I didn’t think that was fair.” I say “Well, I didn’t think it was fair that you’d been e-mailing me for 2 weeks telling me how much you missed me, then when I showed up, you didn’t give a shit.” He calms down, seems to be rational again. Anyway, I leave, and figure that it seems like he wants to do things with me now, and we’ve gotten that big elephant in the corner out of the way, maybe things will be normal.
Sooooo, he ends up not going skiing on Sunday, so we make plans to meet. I show up at the meeting place, and he’s acting disinterested, tells me how much he has to do that day, and after 20 minutes, offers to drive me home. Seriously. So we go back to my place, and he says that he’s never seen my apartment, so I invite him up. Pretty clear where things are going, right? We start making out, and he’s like “Actually, I’m not feeling very sexual right now.” WTF? Then he’s like “You know, I feel like you get emotionally attached to me and want a relationship and that’s not what I want. I mean, I think you’re hot and smart, but really, you seem nervous all the time.” Whatever. When he says the part about me getting emotionally attached, I ask him if he was ever emotionally involved, and he’s like “Well, I dunno, I can’t really remember…” We have sex anyway. As soon as we’re done, he’s like “OK, my parking is almost up, I gotta go….and clean yourself up, you’re a mess.”
So yeah, at first I’m like, “OK, I wanted to get laid, I got what I wanted,” then after a while, I’m just pissed off at how self-absorbed he is. Here’s the e-mail I sent, lemme know what you think:
Hey man,
I know this is out of the blue, but I figure that since it's been bothering me, best to get it out there. I know I told you to call me sometime, but really, don't bother. I keep trying to be friendly with you, and you somehow keep interpreting that as wanting a relationship. Honestly, if you don't want a relationship, then don't invite me on skiing trips with you, and get upset with me when I say I can't go. I hope you can understand why that would be a bit misleading.
Anyway, I keep getting the impression that you want me until you know you can have me, and then you don't care, and it's gotten to be pretty frustrating. I've been hoping that you could be normal, decide what you want and not act like a confused 14-year-old, but it seems like that's not about to happen. I gotta say, your behaviour has been pretty lame, considering that it's coming from a man in his late 30s.Anyway, yeah, hate to have to be an asshole, but it seems like each time I get together with you, I come away feeling more and more pissed off at your arrogance. Hope you don't hate me for this, but I feel like I've tried too hard to be a good guy and I consistently end up being shit on for it. Signed, Me.
So yeah, there’s what happened. Think I’m nuts? Or he is? Think I said the right thing? As always, your advice/observations will be rewarded with many drinks and dinner. (I think I owe you like, 17 dinners at this point. Better start collecting soon! )
goood loooorrrd
so much drama!
what the fuck is with this guy, seriously? God, he's so NEEDY and so DRAMATIC. I can see why the lovin' is good. But none the less, my real thought is this,...I read ONE issue of Oprah magazine ever. It was the summer when I lived at home for 3 months before getting my job here and helping with my G-Pa. I spent a lot of that summer in an introspective state of mind, laying in the back yard, suntanning, eating salads I had all the time in the world to make, reading and swimming. I was also the thinnest I've ever been, but that's just an aside, no consequence other than to point out that I know why rich people are thin. ANYHOO.
I read an article in that issue about psychological projection - you project onto other people the things you most dislike about yourself, either things you realize you hate or those that you don't. For example, people who talk a lot (ie: me) tend to get annoyed when someone else hoggs the talking time. It's SO true. Someone who bitches all the time about hating the way people complain a lot.
YOU KNOW?
it's so true.
And so I wonder if this is a classic case of this? This guys says: “Do you enjoy this? Do you enjoy having me ask you to do things, putting myself out there, and then shooting me down?” but then DOES IT TO YOU!? You put yourself out there, agree to his plans, meet him for 20 friggin minutes and then he shoots you down. I think what is really happening is that he WANTS you to want a relationship with him so he can turn you down. I don't think it's arrogance, it's deep seeded insecurity, though that usually comes across as arrogance.
My only complaint about your well written piss-off note is that you say sorry too much. Not literally, but your tone is sorry. Why are you sorry? Unless you are like "Sorry you are an asshole, sorry you are beyond help!" that is one thing but, "Hope you don't hate me for this" is sorta like, "You suck, but I still want you to like me, in case i run into you later."
Try this last-paragraph re-write on for size, let me know how this rubs you.
"The thing is, each time I get together with you, I come away feeling more pissed off at your arrogance and idiocy. I've tried hard to be a good guy and I consistently end up being shit on for it. Don't bother calling me again."
BTW: no payment req'd, I live for this crap.
I fucking love you. Seriously. I’m gonna make up fake boyfriends and fake drama just so that I can get notes like this. Actually, confession: Josh doesn’t actually exist. OK, kidding.
No, I think you’re totally right about the whole projection thing. Here’s my various thoughts about him
1) He actually DOES want a relationship but instead of admitting to himself that he’s just too fucked up to have a proper one, blames ME for coming on too strong (and really, I think the most extreme relationship-ish thing I said to him the other day was “Hey, it’s good to see you, I missed ya, kid”…..is that really clingy? I don’t think so)
2) What you say about wanting me to want a relationship with him is kinda what I was getting at with the whole bit about “You want me until you know you can have me…..” Seriously, I think that IS the behaviour of a teenage boy who just wants attention, right?
3) There’s so much more I could say, but I’m kinda distracted by work. Ugh.
Anyway, I like your rewrite, but the e-mail was actually sent the other day. Probably can’t take it back to make it better. Haha.
And yeah, it’s kinda my thing that I do where I really don’t want to be a dick, so I’m apologetic. Because really, it’s childish, but I still wanna be the nice guy, even when I’m not being the nice guy, ya know? Eh, whatever…..
I’m very curious to know what he thought of that e-mail, though. My friend John was like “Well, he’ll read into it what he wants. So, I’m sure he’s thinking ‘He wants a relationship and I don’t, and this is his way of getting back at me’”. I think he’s right, unfortunately.
I do wonder, why are you wasting so much energy on this fellow? One must learn to get over losers quickly, it saves time for pining for loves-lost when it is actually worth your energy, non? I doubt you are clingy or weird, it sure seems like him if you know what I mean, he seems like a nutcase; end of story. Or is it? Have you heard from him since your email?
I think there are a lot of possibilites here, for all you know he COULD be a paranoid schitzo. Whatever, it's possible, and it would explain a lot. More importantly, what did you take from the whole experience?
Why am I wasting so much time? Well, he's hot. Like, really hot. Although I’ve got to learn that hot does not override crazy, ya know?
I guess that’s probably the big lesson here.
And no, haven’t heard from him at all, have seen him online, but don’t really expect to hear from him, either. Whatever, the more I think about it, the more I think my first point is correct, and he’s just terrified of the relationship because it might mean he has to, ya know, TRUST someone and think about someone other than himself. I think I’ve just been thinking about this a lot because a) I know I’ll see him around, it would just be easier to have him disappear, but that’s not gonna happen, and b) I HAVE seen him be a good guy, and can’t understand why he seems to choose to be a dick….but anyway…..
Thanks for the pic. He does have a nice bum.
I had a bit of a crazy weekend. Remember that crazy guy I was seeing/all upset about in the fall? Well, J, put on your battle helmet: I need some life coaching once again. Sigh. Think I told you that we met up once in December, then he was being all flaky about getting together again. ANYWAY, was out on a date with one dude on Friday, at this packed bar, and long story short, ran into him and made out with him a whole bunch (guy I was on the date with didn’t see, thank Christ, but still….). So, anyway, long story, I’ll tell it if you wanna hear it, but basically we slept together yesterday. I dunno, he’s just so weird and contradictory and wants me until he knows he can have me, then doesn’t care, and I can’t believe I fell for it again. So yeah, a bit pissed off at myself for that.
Ok, so is the sex good with him? Do YOU need more? Maybe he should just be your booty call or something. The hot-messed-up-needy-distant types are great for that. Why the drama? I mean, I remember the issues, but perhaps if you step back you'll see that he's really just hot for you and isn't mature enough to handle more. In that case, can you handle it being that type of relationship? Maybe that would work for the both of you. I'd like to read the stinging email if it was your best work ever, and I do wonder, what happened to the guy you were on a DATE with? Sheesh! You sluoooot! Love it though.
OK, so the story. Buckle your seatbelt. Haha. Yes, the sex is good, granted. But the thing is the constant push-n-pull from him is too annoying to deal with. Here’s what happened over the weekend (never mind what happened over Xmas, which was basically more of the same…..anyway): Friday, see him at the bar, he’s all flirty, we make out, he’s practically BEGGING me to come home with him, I say I can’t, that I have plans. He asks me to go skiing on Sunday (he’s like “Come, please! I’ll pay for you!”), I say it’s a busy weekend, but to call me sometime soon, I’d like to see him. He flips out. Starts being all like “Do you enjoy this? Do you enjoy having me ask you to do things, putting myself out there, and then shooting me down?” I ask him if he’s serious, and when I realize that he is (and after asking him if he’s on coke….seriously, it was a huge, sudden mood shift), I’m like “Look, I have plans, I can’t just dump my friends because I ran into you.” He calms down. I say that I’d like to hang out with him, as long as he doesn’t stand me up. He’s like “I NEVER stood you up. I’d gotten back from Europe, I was jetlagged and was happy just having a quiet night at home, hanging out with my cats, and you didn’t like that, and I didn’t think that was fair.” I say “Well, I didn’t think it was fair that you’d been e-mailing me for 2 weeks telling me how much you missed me, then when I showed up, you didn’t give a shit.” He calms down, seems to be rational again. Anyway, I leave, and figure that it seems like he wants to do things with me now, and we’ve gotten that big elephant in the corner out of the way, maybe things will be normal.
Sooooo, he ends up not going skiing on Sunday, so we make plans to meet. I show up at the meeting place, and he’s acting disinterested, tells me how much he has to do that day, and after 20 minutes, offers to drive me home. Seriously. So we go back to my place, and he says that he’s never seen my apartment, so I invite him up. Pretty clear where things are going, right? We start making out, and he’s like “Actually, I’m not feeling very sexual right now.” WTF? Then he’s like “You know, I feel like you get emotionally attached to me and want a relationship and that’s not what I want. I mean, I think you’re hot and smart, but really, you seem nervous all the time.” Whatever. When he says the part about me getting emotionally attached, I ask him if he was ever emotionally involved, and he’s like “Well, I dunno, I can’t really remember…” We have sex anyway. As soon as we’re done, he’s like “OK, my parking is almost up, I gotta go….and clean yourself up, you’re a mess.”
So yeah, at first I’m like, “OK, I wanted to get laid, I got what I wanted,” then after a while, I’m just pissed off at how self-absorbed he is. Here’s the e-mail I sent, lemme know what you think:
Hey man,
I know this is out of the blue, but I figure that since it's been bothering me, best to get it out there. I know I told you to call me sometime, but really, don't bother. I keep trying to be friendly with you, and you somehow keep interpreting that as wanting a relationship. Honestly, if you don't want a relationship, then don't invite me on skiing trips with you, and get upset with me when I say I can't go. I hope you can understand why that would be a bit misleading.
Anyway, I keep getting the impression that you want me until you know you can have me, and then you don't care, and it's gotten to be pretty frustrating. I've been hoping that you could be normal, decide what you want and not act like a confused 14-year-old, but it seems like that's not about to happen. I gotta say, your behaviour has been pretty lame, considering that it's coming from a man in his late 30s.Anyway, yeah, hate to have to be an asshole, but it seems like each time I get together with you, I come away feeling more and more pissed off at your arrogance. Hope you don't hate me for this, but I feel like I've tried too hard to be a good guy and I consistently end up being shit on for it. Signed, Me.
So yeah, there’s what happened. Think I’m nuts? Or he is? Think I said the right thing? As always, your advice/observations will be rewarded with many drinks and dinner. (I think I owe you like, 17 dinners at this point. Better start collecting soon! )
goood loooorrrd
so much drama!
what the fuck is with this guy, seriously? God, he's so NEEDY and so DRAMATIC. I can see why the lovin' is good. But none the less, my real thought is this,...I read ONE issue of Oprah magazine ever. It was the summer when I lived at home for 3 months before getting my job here and helping with my G-Pa. I spent a lot of that summer in an introspective state of mind, laying in the back yard, suntanning, eating salads I had all the time in the world to make, reading and swimming. I was also the thinnest I've ever been, but that's just an aside, no consequence other than to point out that I know why rich people are thin. ANYHOO.
I read an article in that issue about psychological projection - you project onto other people the things you most dislike about yourself, either things you realize you hate or those that you don't. For example, people who talk a lot (ie: me) tend to get annoyed when someone else hoggs the talking time. It's SO true. Someone who bitches all the time about hating the way people complain a lot.
YOU KNOW?
it's so true.
And so I wonder if this is a classic case of this? This guys says: “Do you enjoy this? Do you enjoy having me ask you to do things, putting myself out there, and then shooting me down?” but then DOES IT TO YOU!? You put yourself out there, agree to his plans, meet him for 20 friggin minutes and then he shoots you down. I think what is really happening is that he WANTS you to want a relationship with him so he can turn you down. I don't think it's arrogance, it's deep seeded insecurity, though that usually comes across as arrogance.
My only complaint about your well written piss-off note is that you say sorry too much. Not literally, but your tone is sorry. Why are you sorry? Unless you are like "Sorry you are an asshole, sorry you are beyond help!" that is one thing but, "Hope you don't hate me for this" is sorta like, "You suck, but I still want you to like me, in case i run into you later."
Try this last-paragraph re-write on for size, let me know how this rubs you.
"The thing is, each time I get together with you, I come away feeling more pissed off at your arrogance and idiocy. I've tried hard to be a good guy and I consistently end up being shit on for it. Don't bother calling me again."
BTW: no payment req'd, I live for this crap.
I fucking love you. Seriously. I’m gonna make up fake boyfriends and fake drama just so that I can get notes like this. Actually, confession: Josh doesn’t actually exist. OK, kidding.
No, I think you’re totally right about the whole projection thing. Here’s my various thoughts about him
1) He actually DOES want a relationship but instead of admitting to himself that he’s just too fucked up to have a proper one, blames ME for coming on too strong (and really, I think the most extreme relationship-ish thing I said to him the other day was “Hey, it’s good to see you, I missed ya, kid”…..is that really clingy? I don’t think so)
2) What you say about wanting me to want a relationship with him is kinda what I was getting at with the whole bit about “You want me until you know you can have me…..” Seriously, I think that IS the behaviour of a teenage boy who just wants attention, right?
3) There’s so much more I could say, but I’m kinda distracted by work. Ugh.
Anyway, I like your rewrite, but the e-mail was actually sent the other day. Probably can’t take it back to make it better. Haha.
And yeah, it’s kinda my thing that I do where I really don’t want to be a dick, so I’m apologetic. Because really, it’s childish, but I still wanna be the nice guy, even when I’m not being the nice guy, ya know? Eh, whatever…..
I’m very curious to know what he thought of that e-mail, though. My friend John was like “Well, he’ll read into it what he wants. So, I’m sure he’s thinking ‘He wants a relationship and I don’t, and this is his way of getting back at me’”. I think he’s right, unfortunately.
I do wonder, why are you wasting so much energy on this fellow? One must learn to get over losers quickly, it saves time for pining for loves-lost when it is actually worth your energy, non? I doubt you are clingy or weird, it sure seems like him if you know what I mean, he seems like a nutcase; end of story. Or is it? Have you heard from him since your email?
I think there are a lot of possibilites here, for all you know he COULD be a paranoid schitzo. Whatever, it's possible, and it would explain a lot. More importantly, what did you take from the whole experience?
Why am I wasting so much time? Well, he's hot. Like, really hot. Although I’ve got to learn that hot does not override crazy, ya know?
I guess that’s probably the big lesson here.
And no, haven’t heard from him at all, have seen him online, but don’t really expect to hear from him, either. Whatever, the more I think about it, the more I think my first point is correct, and he’s just terrified of the relationship because it might mean he has to, ya know, TRUST someone and think about someone other than himself. I think I’ve just been thinking about this a lot because a) I know I’ll see him around, it would just be easier to have him disappear, but that’s not gonna happen, and b) I HAVE seen him be a good guy, and can’t understand why he seems to choose to be a dick….but anyway…..
Thanks for the pic. He does have a nice bum.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Bale & Gosling
Monday:
So I have an internet crush. On saturday one dude came on our girls night, long story, but anyhow I was insisting that I drunk dial people on the way home. He let me dial his friend that he called "the mathius" (rhymes with massiah) and anyhow he's like "he'll answer in a sexy voice" so I totally played it up. Today the mathius added me on fb and he's sorta hot. in a skinny skateboarder kinda way. It is bad, isn't it, that I responded. Especially since i have relationship status. Tell me I'm bad.
gah. he's funny. he is messaging me. tell me I'm terrible. Tell me not to get a crush on an internet dude, seriously. this is bad. I have the WORST WANDERING EYE EVER.
However, it may help with my bale fixation.
OK, you're terrible. DON'T DO IT!!! I mean, I have a wandering eye and everything as well, but don't do it. He's not cute enough. Plus, you are CLEARLY listed as In A Relationship. You're Bad. YOU BAD!!!!
Did that work? :)
well maybe the 'he's not cute enough' part. thats the only part that worked a lil.
sigh.
I've had like the worst ever wandering eye lately. I want to sleep with
everyone random. It's SO BAD. If Bale were here I'd be done for.
Tuesday:
Ok, the internet conversation ended yesterday, it was fully innocent. Oh, Im pretty sure he's a douche, I mean, india? skateboarders I do have a soft spot for but really only from a distance. Up close they tend to be raging asswipes. Really it's just a mental escape for me right now. Much like Bale, just plain old psychological distraction when I need it most. Rosie is finally taking me to TDK on thurs so then I can obsess about Bale all weekend.
Wait, you haven't seen the Dark Knight yet??? What kind of Balefan are
you?!? Anyway, glad the crush remained innocent and brief. :)
No, I haven't. I've made plans twice to see it and then conflicts came up...and now everyone has seen it! I lamented having to go alone to Rosie and she said not only did she WANT To go again, she had two for one passes, so she's taking me. What a gal. We're going on thurs so I'm very much excited. I had even watched Batman begins for a second time in anticipation. I will seriously spend the whole weekend daydreaming about Bale. Did you read lainey's hilarious account of her obsession with Michael Phelps, down to planning whta she'd wear the first time they met? THAT IS SO ME. I was glad to read that I was not all alone in my bizarre fantasy worlds.
Anyway, I've only sort of seen Lainey's references to Phelps in passing. That's hilarious, though. Man, I don't know if I really think that much about my celebrity crushes.....more likely, I'd think of what I was wearing that they could take OFF, though. :P
Yeah, I mean, mostly they revolve around how we meet and how it's possible that he could do (those terrible) things to me in such a way that he still respects me enough to take me out again. Also, what the inside of his home looks like, because in my mind it has to be a complete package. I'm tellin' ya, it's sick. I mean, it all culminates in the clothes coming off, it's just that with women it's a longer road getting there.
Man, I never build atmosphere around my celeb fantasies, maybe I should start. Of course, if I were to do that with, say, Ryan Gosling, I think even in my mind, he'd be all like "Uh, sorry, who are you? And why are you in my house?"
Key, very key to the celeb crush is to create atmosphere. And the best part is, you get to make him perfect too. Like for example, I could meet Bale while in LA next year for work, or visiting Mark. IT's a chance meeting, so it's not stalkerish, see? Just like you could have a chance meeting with Gosling in Toronto. Maybe he and a friend are in the resto picking up lunch, and you walk in to pick up lunch for, like, you and 30 coworkers, so he drops a joke like "Wow, you must be hungry" and it goes from there. See? I'm REALLY GOOD AT IT.
Ooooh, yeah, and then I look up and realize it's him, and I go "Haha, yeah!" a little bit too loudly, and he just kind of smiles awkwardly and turns away and I stare straight ahead nervously and the food takes a REALLY long time to pack up, and then once it's all ready, I take it and I'm walking out, and I turn around and say "Have a good day!", but he's already turned around
talking to other people......
......I think I may need help with the celeb crush fantasy.....
You my dear, are NOT GOOD at this. See, in your celeb crush fantasy world, you are the awesomest awesome version of you. and the celeb crush loves it.
You can even talk to the celeb crush about his celebrity, and he doesn't find it weird, cause see, you meet in a normal way that doesn't seem odd at all.
In my version, he says "wow, you must be hungry" and you look up, notice its him, but you're cool. You say, "Yeah, I ran a marathon today." in a deadpan voice, which he finds HILARIOUS.
You stand there awkwardly as he's laughing, which makes him feel bad, so then he apologizes to you for his lame joke. You say it's ok, and laugh along with him. He Says he'd like to make up his lame joke to you with drinks later.
You of course agree, and say, "yeah, lets meet at "" and he agrees. When you arrive there, he's
already waiting, with two drinks on the table. You walk up and say "hey, I'm glad you're here, I forgot to ask you your name" which he also finds HIGHlarious and laughs and says "I didn't get yours either".
Then you have drinks, and screw.
See? You just need practice.
OK, I don't want to steal your schtick, but I think I'm gonna become a writer of short stories, but basically the plot will start to unravel and become really kind of ridiculous, and everyone will think that I've painted myself into a corner and all hope is lost for the story, and then I'll just
end each story with:
"Then you have drinks, and screw."
Man, you really are good at this, though. I should practice celebrity fantasizing a bit more, I guess, because I bet it would even help with flirtation in real life. Keep the wit sharp, that sort of thing.....
Anyway, if I ever meet Gosling (say at a hardware store, or maybe at a race track), I'll be sure to keep it cool.
Maybe that'll be my homework tonight, write three scenarios where I run into Ryan Gosling and what I do/say.....hmmmm......
If I do that, though, I wanna hear three about Bale. I'm sure I'll get them all by 4:30 today, though, won't I? :P
4:30 on Tuesday:
See, Bale comes with a set of issues, one, the wife, two the kid. I'm no home wrecker, so I like to include his wife being a psycho bitch into my fantasy to evaporate any guilt.
I'd like to let you know I'm making these up completely from scratch off the
top of my head. These are NOT recycled. I like a challenge.
1. I'm in LA for work. This is possible because there is an LA show. I'm there all alone much like when I go to ATL. On this trip though I have a couple of days of spare time, which I totally would, seeing as that's the show format. So I decide to go for a morning jog. Of course I have on the LuLu Lemon pants that cost as much as god so I look great, but not like I'm
trying hard. I'm jogging in a nice area, and I start to notice a lot of lovely ranch bungalows.
Just as I'm wondering how much one of those babies would go for, I completely wipe out. Yep, I fall down and I take out a fence on my way down. It's not much of a fence so I'm fine but it's me so I make a really loud yelp as I fall. I co-incidentally have fallen into Bale's front
yard. I hadn't noticed until I take out my headphones and look around to see if anyone witnessed the incident. Bale rushes from his front stoop, where he's been having a disagreement with the wifey. Of course I don't know this yet. He offers to help me up and is very polite. I am a touch starstruck so I apologize aobut the fence. He tells me he's complained to the city 3 times about the hole. The wifey starts freaking about needing to get to her therapist before noon and says he needs to leave the 'loser where he found
her' which of course he is too nice to do.
So he says "just go, we'll talk about the papers later" and she storms off and squeals out of the driveway.
He is still holding me up and says "sorry about that, she's divorcing me and it's kind of horrible". To which I reply "As horrible as falling on your face in front of Batman?". Bale laughs at the obvious sheer genius of this joke and asks if I'd like to come in for a bandaid, or if maybe he can buy me a drink later to kill the pain. We then 'date' for the duration of my
stay in LA.
2. I'm in LA visiting Mark for 2 weeks. Mark works on TV sets as a contractor, so one day I decide to go on set with him for fun. His boss is hilarious and likes that I'm able to swing a hammer, so he lets me do some work too. I need to go to the washroom so I ask for directions around the studio lot, which of course i've never been on before. I get lost, and end up standing in what feels roughly like Gotham city but I'm so in awe I'm really just gawking at the set.
I'm absentmindedly swinging the hammer and accidentally drop it on to a sewer grate, which isn't iron at all and breaks. Then I stand there feeling really dumb, so I look around to see if
anyone has witnessed the event. Bale is high up on the rooftop of one of the sets, walking through a particularily dangerous scene that he's shooting the next day. He's all serious and shizz cause he's a method actor so he's alone. He yells down to me "Hey you! This is a closed set!".
I yell up "I'm so sorry! I'm so lost! I'm just a canadian visiting! I am looking for Closet
Makeover!" This surprises and amuses him somehow, and he loses concentration. He takes a makeshift firemans pole down and says he'll help me find my way. Whilst doing so, I explain that I'm actually just a designer in town visiting a friend, and that I am very very sorry. He says that he needs to master a 'canadian intonation' for an upcoming role, and could he come stay with me for a week to practice. I say sure but make some remark about having a second bedroom for him, but not much room otherwise, and not the swankiest place. He says he wouldn't expect anything fancy and that he'll cook all week.
He's thinking of bringing with his daughter since wifey has left him for the gardener, and I suggest she can have the guest room with a sly smile. We then make out on the gotham city set before doing it in the batmobile. We then have a weeklong affair which works out great
since his kid goes to grandmas.
3. I manage to finagle a job teaching marketing at some high end seminar, likely because of a long winded and convincing email I've written. The seminar is geared towards junior level marketers and it's in downtown toronto. I'm staying at the king eddy since it's paid for. I go to the seminar and it's a huge success, and I'm feeling super hot as I'm all dressed up in my hottest work clothes. I'm walking into the King Eddy and decide that for a change, to reward myself, I'll buy myself a drink at the bar, something I would NEVER do. So I walk in and sit and order a drink. A ceasar, in fact, my favourite. This is overheard by the man at the next
table. I notice him shift in his seat. I take out my notes from the meeting and begin reviewing for part 2 the next day. I don't like just drinkin and thinkin in a resto, have to keep busy somehow. When my drink comes it's one of those crazy ceasars with like a shrimp and a string bean and meat and an umbrella in it. The man at the next table is seated in a way that he sees it coming. Once it's set down and I thank the waiter, he turns to me, as I'm taking my first sip and says "well, that's a meal in a glass, isn't it?" I snort, and almost choke on my ceasar, since I realize it's Bale. I apologize and say 'Lord, that wasn't very classy, but I guess I'm not very classy since it's not a very classy drink!" We both laugh. He then asks what it is exactly, I explain it's a canadian phenomenon.
This strikes up a conversation about things which are distinctly canadian. He tells me he has
just arrived in town, he is moving here since he and wifey have split up, and he can't bear to see her regularily like he will in LA. She's decided to become a porn star, he confesses after too many martinis, and that bothers him since she was such a 'cold fish' with him. So he's looking for a fresh start and loves the city. He asks me for suggestions about what to see and do 'from a local, not that yorkville area where the rich people are' point of view. I take him on a tour of the city which on this night, ends up with us making out in the back booth of the Green Room above Future bakery.
Afterwhich of course we retire to my room at the King Eddy.
I'm so good at it. It is sick. I've got a mental PROBLEM I am telling you.
Man, you ARE good at this, and besides some kind of ridiculous occurrences (he slides down a makeshift fireman's pole??), which were obviously written
under pressure, I'm pretty impressed.
So I have an internet crush. On saturday one dude came on our girls night, long story, but anyhow I was insisting that I drunk dial people on the way home. He let me dial his friend that he called "the mathius" (rhymes with massiah) and anyhow he's like "he'll answer in a sexy voice" so I totally played it up. Today the mathius added me on fb and he's sorta hot. in a skinny skateboarder kinda way. It is bad, isn't it, that I responded. Especially since i have relationship status. Tell me I'm bad.
gah. he's funny. he is messaging me. tell me I'm terrible. Tell me not to get a crush on an internet dude, seriously. this is bad. I have the WORST WANDERING EYE EVER.
However, it may help with my bale fixation.
OK, you're terrible. DON'T DO IT!!! I mean, I have a wandering eye and everything as well, but don't do it. He's not cute enough. Plus, you are CLEARLY listed as In A Relationship. You're Bad. YOU BAD!!!!
Did that work? :)
well maybe the 'he's not cute enough' part. thats the only part that worked a lil.
sigh.
I've had like the worst ever wandering eye lately. I want to sleep with
everyone random. It's SO BAD. If Bale were here I'd be done for.
Tuesday:
Ok, the internet conversation ended yesterday, it was fully innocent. Oh, Im pretty sure he's a douche, I mean, india? skateboarders I do have a soft spot for but really only from a distance. Up close they tend to be raging asswipes. Really it's just a mental escape for me right now. Much like Bale, just plain old psychological distraction when I need it most. Rosie is finally taking me to TDK on thurs so then I can obsess about Bale all weekend.
Wait, you haven't seen the Dark Knight yet??? What kind of Balefan are
you?!? Anyway, glad the crush remained innocent and brief. :)
No, I haven't. I've made plans twice to see it and then conflicts came up...and now everyone has seen it! I lamented having to go alone to Rosie and she said not only did she WANT To go again, she had two for one passes, so she's taking me. What a gal. We're going on thurs so I'm very much excited. I had even watched Batman begins for a second time in anticipation. I will seriously spend the whole weekend daydreaming about Bale. Did you read lainey's hilarious account of her obsession with Michael Phelps, down to planning whta she'd wear the first time they met? THAT IS SO ME. I was glad to read that I was not all alone in my bizarre fantasy worlds.
Anyway, I've only sort of seen Lainey's references to Phelps in passing. That's hilarious, though. Man, I don't know if I really think that much about my celebrity crushes.....more likely, I'd think of what I was wearing that they could take OFF, though. :P
Yeah, I mean, mostly they revolve around how we meet and how it's possible that he could do (those terrible) things to me in such a way that he still respects me enough to take me out again. Also, what the inside of his home looks like, because in my mind it has to be a complete package. I'm tellin' ya, it's sick. I mean, it all culminates in the clothes coming off, it's just that with women it's a longer road getting there.
Man, I never build atmosphere around my celeb fantasies, maybe I should start. Of course, if I were to do that with, say, Ryan Gosling, I think even in my mind, he'd be all like "Uh, sorry, who are you? And why are you in my house?"
Key, very key to the celeb crush is to create atmosphere. And the best part is, you get to make him perfect too. Like for example, I could meet Bale while in LA next year for work, or visiting Mark. IT's a chance meeting, so it's not stalkerish, see? Just like you could have a chance meeting with Gosling in Toronto. Maybe he and a friend are in the resto picking up lunch, and you walk in to pick up lunch for, like, you and 30 coworkers, so he drops a joke like "Wow, you must be hungry" and it goes from there. See? I'm REALLY GOOD AT IT.
Ooooh, yeah, and then I look up and realize it's him, and I go "Haha, yeah!" a little bit too loudly, and he just kind of smiles awkwardly and turns away and I stare straight ahead nervously and the food takes a REALLY long time to pack up, and then once it's all ready, I take it and I'm walking out, and I turn around and say "Have a good day!", but he's already turned around
talking to other people......
......I think I may need help with the celeb crush fantasy.....
You my dear, are NOT GOOD at this. See, in your celeb crush fantasy world, you are the awesomest awesome version of you. and the celeb crush loves it.
You can even talk to the celeb crush about his celebrity, and he doesn't find it weird, cause see, you meet in a normal way that doesn't seem odd at all.
In my version, he says "wow, you must be hungry" and you look up, notice its him, but you're cool. You say, "Yeah, I ran a marathon today." in a deadpan voice, which he finds HILARIOUS.
You stand there awkwardly as he's laughing, which makes him feel bad, so then he apologizes to you for his lame joke. You say it's ok, and laugh along with him. He Says he'd like to make up his lame joke to you with drinks later.
You of course agree, and say, "yeah, lets meet at "" and he agrees. When you arrive there, he's
already waiting, with two drinks on the table. You walk up and say "hey, I'm glad you're here, I forgot to ask you your name" which he also finds HIGHlarious and laughs and says "I didn't get yours either".
Then you have drinks, and screw.
See? You just need practice.
OK, I don't want to steal your schtick, but I think I'm gonna become a writer of short stories, but basically the plot will start to unravel and become really kind of ridiculous, and everyone will think that I've painted myself into a corner and all hope is lost for the story, and then I'll just
end each story with:
"Then you have drinks, and screw."
Man, you really are good at this, though. I should practice celebrity fantasizing a bit more, I guess, because I bet it would even help with flirtation in real life. Keep the wit sharp, that sort of thing.....
Anyway, if I ever meet Gosling (say at a hardware store, or maybe at a race track), I'll be sure to keep it cool.
Maybe that'll be my homework tonight, write three scenarios where I run into Ryan Gosling and what I do/say.....hmmmm......
If I do that, though, I wanna hear three about Bale. I'm sure I'll get them all by 4:30 today, though, won't I? :P
4:30 on Tuesday:
See, Bale comes with a set of issues, one, the wife, two the kid. I'm no home wrecker, so I like to include his wife being a psycho bitch into my fantasy to evaporate any guilt.
I'd like to let you know I'm making these up completely from scratch off the
top of my head. These are NOT recycled. I like a challenge.
1. I'm in LA for work. This is possible because there is an LA show. I'm there all alone much like when I go to ATL. On this trip though I have a couple of days of spare time, which I totally would, seeing as that's the show format. So I decide to go for a morning jog. Of course I have on the LuLu Lemon pants that cost as much as god so I look great, but not like I'm
trying hard. I'm jogging in a nice area, and I start to notice a lot of lovely ranch bungalows.
Just as I'm wondering how much one of those babies would go for, I completely wipe out. Yep, I fall down and I take out a fence on my way down. It's not much of a fence so I'm fine but it's me so I make a really loud yelp as I fall. I co-incidentally have fallen into Bale's front
yard. I hadn't noticed until I take out my headphones and look around to see if anyone witnessed the incident. Bale rushes from his front stoop, where he's been having a disagreement with the wifey. Of course I don't know this yet. He offers to help me up and is very polite. I am a touch starstruck so I apologize aobut the fence. He tells me he's complained to the city 3 times about the hole. The wifey starts freaking about needing to get to her therapist before noon and says he needs to leave the 'loser where he found
her' which of course he is too nice to do.
So he says "just go, we'll talk about the papers later" and she storms off and squeals out of the driveway.
He is still holding me up and says "sorry about that, she's divorcing me and it's kind of horrible". To which I reply "As horrible as falling on your face in front of Batman?". Bale laughs at the obvious sheer genius of this joke and asks if I'd like to come in for a bandaid, or if maybe he can buy me a drink later to kill the pain. We then 'date' for the duration of my
stay in LA.
2. I'm in LA visiting Mark for 2 weeks. Mark works on TV sets as a contractor, so one day I decide to go on set with him for fun. His boss is hilarious and likes that I'm able to swing a hammer, so he lets me do some work too. I need to go to the washroom so I ask for directions around the studio lot, which of course i've never been on before. I get lost, and end up standing in what feels roughly like Gotham city but I'm so in awe I'm really just gawking at the set.
I'm absentmindedly swinging the hammer and accidentally drop it on to a sewer grate, which isn't iron at all and breaks. Then I stand there feeling really dumb, so I look around to see if
anyone has witnessed the event. Bale is high up on the rooftop of one of the sets, walking through a particularily dangerous scene that he's shooting the next day. He's all serious and shizz cause he's a method actor so he's alone. He yells down to me "Hey you! This is a closed set!".
I yell up "I'm so sorry! I'm so lost! I'm just a canadian visiting! I am looking for Closet
Makeover!" This surprises and amuses him somehow, and he loses concentration. He takes a makeshift firemans pole down and says he'll help me find my way. Whilst doing so, I explain that I'm actually just a designer in town visiting a friend, and that I am very very sorry. He says that he needs to master a 'canadian intonation' for an upcoming role, and could he come stay with me for a week to practice. I say sure but make some remark about having a second bedroom for him, but not much room otherwise, and not the swankiest place. He says he wouldn't expect anything fancy and that he'll cook all week.
He's thinking of bringing with his daughter since wifey has left him for the gardener, and I suggest she can have the guest room with a sly smile. We then make out on the gotham city set before doing it in the batmobile. We then have a weeklong affair which works out great
since his kid goes to grandmas.
3. I manage to finagle a job teaching marketing at some high end seminar, likely because of a long winded and convincing email I've written. The seminar is geared towards junior level marketers and it's in downtown toronto. I'm staying at the king eddy since it's paid for. I go to the seminar and it's a huge success, and I'm feeling super hot as I'm all dressed up in my hottest work clothes. I'm walking into the King Eddy and decide that for a change, to reward myself, I'll buy myself a drink at the bar, something I would NEVER do. So I walk in and sit and order a drink. A ceasar, in fact, my favourite. This is overheard by the man at the next
table. I notice him shift in his seat. I take out my notes from the meeting and begin reviewing for part 2 the next day. I don't like just drinkin and thinkin in a resto, have to keep busy somehow. When my drink comes it's one of those crazy ceasars with like a shrimp and a string bean and meat and an umbrella in it. The man at the next table is seated in a way that he sees it coming. Once it's set down and I thank the waiter, he turns to me, as I'm taking my first sip and says "well, that's a meal in a glass, isn't it?" I snort, and almost choke on my ceasar, since I realize it's Bale. I apologize and say 'Lord, that wasn't very classy, but I guess I'm not very classy since it's not a very classy drink!" We both laugh. He then asks what it is exactly, I explain it's a canadian phenomenon.
This strikes up a conversation about things which are distinctly canadian. He tells me he has
just arrived in town, he is moving here since he and wifey have split up, and he can't bear to see her regularily like he will in LA. She's decided to become a porn star, he confesses after too many martinis, and that bothers him since she was such a 'cold fish' with him. So he's looking for a fresh start and loves the city. He asks me for suggestions about what to see and do 'from a local, not that yorkville area where the rich people are' point of view. I take him on a tour of the city which on this night, ends up with us making out in the back booth of the Green Room above Future bakery.
Afterwhich of course we retire to my room at the King Eddy.
I'm so good at it. It is sick. I've got a mental PROBLEM I am telling you.
Man, you ARE good at this, and besides some kind of ridiculous occurrences (he slides down a makeshift fireman's pole??), which were obviously written
under pressure, I'm pretty impressed.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
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