Bale & Gosling

Monday:

So I have an internet crush. On saturday one dude came on our girls night, long story, but anyhow I was insisting that I drunk dial people on the way home. He let me dial his friend that he called "the mathius" (rhymes with massiah) and anyhow he's like "he'll answer in a sexy voice" so I totally played it up. Today the mathius added me on fb and he's sorta hot. in a skinny skateboarder kinda way. It is bad, isn't it, that I responded. Especially since i have relationship status. Tell me I'm bad.

gah. he's funny. he is messaging me. tell me I'm terrible. Tell me not to get a crush on an internet dude, seriously. this is bad. I have the WORST WANDERING EYE EVER.

However, it may help with my bale fixation.


OK, you're terrible. DON'T DO IT!!! I mean, I have a wandering eye and everything as well, but don't do it. He's not cute enough. Plus, you are CLEARLY listed as In A Relationship. You're Bad. YOU BAD!!!!
Did that work? :)


well maybe the 'he's not cute enough' part. thats the only part that worked a lil.
sigh.
I've had like the worst ever wandering eye lately. I want to sleep with
everyone random. It's SO BAD. If Bale were here I'd be done for.

Tuesday:


Ok, the internet conversation ended yesterday, it was fully innocent. Oh, Im pretty sure he's a douche, I mean, india? skateboarders I do have a soft spot for but really only from a distance. Up close they tend to be raging asswipes. Really it's just a mental escape for me right now. Much like Bale, just plain old psychological distraction when I need it most. Rosie is finally taking me to TDK on thurs so then I can obsess about Bale all weekend.


Wait, you haven't seen the Dark Knight yet??? What kind of Balefan are
you?!? Anyway, glad the crush remained innocent and brief. :)


No, I haven't. I've made plans twice to see it and then conflicts came up...and now everyone has seen it! I lamented having to go alone to Rosie and she said not only did she WANT To go again, she had two for one passes, so she's taking me. What a gal. We're going on thurs so I'm very much excited. I had even watched Batman begins for a second time in anticipation. I will seriously spend the whole weekend daydreaming about Bale. Did you read lainey's hilarious account of her obsession with Michael Phelps, down to planning whta she'd wear the first time they met? THAT IS SO ME. I was glad to read that I was not all alone in my bizarre fantasy worlds.


Anyway, I've only sort of seen Lainey's references to Phelps in passing. That's hilarious, though. Man, I don't know if I really think that much about my celebrity crushes.....more likely, I'd think of what I was wearing that they could take OFF, though. :P


Yeah, I mean, mostly they revolve around how we meet and how it's possible that he could do (those terrible) things to me in such a way that he still respects me enough to take me out again. Also, what the inside of his home looks like, because in my mind it has to be a complete package. I'm tellin' ya, it's sick. I mean, it all culminates in the clothes coming off, it's just that with women it's a longer road getting there.


Man, I never build atmosphere around my celeb fantasies, maybe I should start. Of course, if I were to do that with, say, Ryan Gosling, I think even in my mind, he'd be all like "Uh, sorry, who are you? And why are you in my house?"


Key, very key to the celeb crush is to create atmosphere. And the best part is, you get to make him perfect too. Like for example, I could meet Bale while in LA next year for work, or visiting Mark. IT's a chance meeting, so it's not stalkerish, see? Just like you could have a chance meeting with Gosling in Toronto. Maybe he and a friend are in the resto picking up lunch, and you walk in to pick up lunch for, like, you and 30 coworkers, so he drops a joke like "Wow, you must be hungry" and it goes from there. See? I'm REALLY GOOD AT IT.


Ooooh, yeah, and then I look up and realize it's him, and I go "Haha, yeah!" a little bit too loudly, and he just kind of smiles awkwardly and turns away and I stare straight ahead nervously and the food takes a REALLY long time to pack up, and then once it's all ready, I take it and I'm walking out, and I turn around and say "Have a good day!", but he's already turned around
talking to other people......
......I think I may need help with the celeb crush fantasy.....


You my dear, are NOT GOOD at this. See, in your celeb crush fantasy world, you are the awesomest awesome version of you. and the celeb crush loves it.
You can even talk to the celeb crush about his celebrity, and he doesn't find it weird, cause see, you meet in a normal way that doesn't seem odd at all.
In my version, he says "wow, you must be hungry" and you look up, notice its him, but you're cool. You say, "Yeah, I ran a marathon today." in a deadpan voice, which he finds HILARIOUS.
You stand there awkwardly as he's laughing, which makes him feel bad, so then he apologizes to you for his lame joke. You say it's ok, and laugh along with him. He Says he'd like to make up his lame joke to you with drinks later.

You of course agree, and say, "yeah, lets meet at "" and he agrees. When you arrive there, he's
already waiting, with two drinks on the table. You walk up and say "hey, I'm glad you're here, I forgot to ask you your name" which he also finds HIGHlarious and laughs and says "I didn't get yours either".

Then you have drinks, and screw.

See? You just need practice.


OK, I don't want to steal your schtick, but I think I'm gonna become a writer of short stories, but basically the plot will start to unravel and become really kind of ridiculous, and everyone will think that I've painted myself into a corner and all hope is lost for the story, and then I'll just
end each story with:

"Then you have drinks, and screw."

Man, you really are good at this, though. I should practice celebrity fantasizing a bit more, I guess, because I bet it would even help with flirtation in real life. Keep the wit sharp, that sort of thing.....

Anyway, if I ever meet Gosling (say at a hardware store, or maybe at a race track), I'll be sure to keep it cool.

Maybe that'll be my homework tonight, write three scenarios where I run into Ryan Gosling and what I do/say.....hmmmm......

If I do that, though, I wanna hear three about Bale. I'm sure I'll get them all by 4:30 today, though, won't I? :P

4:30 on Tuesday:


See, Bale comes with a set of issues, one, the wife, two the kid. I'm no home wrecker, so I like to include his wife being a psycho bitch into my fantasy to evaporate any guilt.
I'd like to let you know I'm making these up completely from scratch off the
top of my head. These are NOT recycled. I like a challenge.

1. I'm in LA for work. This is possible because there is an LA show. I'm there all alone much like when I go to ATL. On this trip though I have a couple of days of spare time, which I totally would, seeing as that's the show format. So I decide to go for a morning jog. Of course I have on the LuLu Lemon pants that cost as much as god so I look great, but not like I'm
trying hard. I'm jogging in a nice area, and I start to notice a lot of lovely ranch bungalows.

Just as I'm wondering how much one of those babies would go for, I completely wipe out. Yep, I fall down and I take out a fence on my way down. It's not much of a fence so I'm fine but it's me so I make a really loud yelp as I fall. I co-incidentally have fallen into Bale's front
yard. I hadn't noticed until I take out my headphones and look around to see if anyone witnessed the incident. Bale rushes from his front stoop, where he's been having a disagreement with the wifey. Of course I don't know this yet. He offers to help me up and is very polite. I am a touch starstruck so I apologize aobut the fence. He tells me he's complained to the city 3 times about the hole. The wifey starts freaking about needing to get to her therapist before noon and says he needs to leave the 'loser where he found
her' which of course he is too nice to do.

So he says "just go, we'll talk about the papers later" and she storms off and squeals out of the driveway.

He is still holding me up and says "sorry about that, she's divorcing me and it's kind of horrible". To which I reply "As horrible as falling on your face in front of Batman?". Bale laughs at the obvious sheer genius of this joke and asks if I'd like to come in for a bandaid, or if maybe he can buy me a drink later to kill the pain. We then 'date' for the duration of my
stay in LA.

2. I'm in LA visiting Mark for 2 weeks. Mark works on TV sets as a contractor, so one day I decide to go on set with him for fun. His boss is hilarious and likes that I'm able to swing a hammer, so he lets me do some work too. I need to go to the washroom so I ask for directions around the studio lot, which of course i've never been on before. I get lost, and end up standing in what feels roughly like Gotham city but I'm so in awe I'm really just gawking at the set.

I'm absentmindedly swinging the hammer and accidentally drop it on to a sewer grate, which isn't iron at all and breaks. Then I stand there feeling really dumb, so I look around to see if
anyone has witnessed the event. Bale is high up on the rooftop of one of the sets, walking through a particularily dangerous scene that he's shooting the next day. He's all serious and shizz cause he's a method actor so he's alone. He yells down to me "Hey you! This is a closed set!".
I yell up "I'm so sorry! I'm so lost! I'm just a canadian visiting! I am looking for Closet
Makeover!" This surprises and amuses him somehow, and he loses concentration. He takes a makeshift firemans pole down and says he'll help me find my way. Whilst doing so, I explain that I'm actually just a designer in town visiting a friend, and that I am very very sorry. He says that he needs to master a 'canadian intonation' for an upcoming role, and could he come stay with me for a week to practice. I say sure but make some remark about having a second bedroom for him, but not much room otherwise, and not the swankiest place. He says he wouldn't expect anything fancy and that he'll cook all week.

He's thinking of bringing with his daughter since wifey has left him for the gardener, and I suggest she can have the guest room with a sly smile. We then make out on the gotham city set before doing it in the batmobile. We then have a weeklong affair which works out great
since his kid goes to grandmas.

3. I manage to finagle a job teaching marketing at some high end seminar, likely because of a long winded and convincing email I've written. The seminar is geared towards junior level marketers and it's in downtown toronto. I'm staying at the king eddy since it's paid for. I go to the seminar and it's a huge success, and I'm feeling super hot as I'm all dressed up in my hottest work clothes. I'm walking into the King Eddy and decide that for a change, to reward myself, I'll buy myself a drink at the bar, something I would NEVER do. So I walk in and sit and order a drink. A ceasar, in fact, my favourite. This is overheard by the man at the next
table. I notice him shift in his seat. I take out my notes from the meeting and begin reviewing for part 2 the next day. I don't like just drinkin and thinkin in a resto, have to keep busy somehow. When my drink comes it's one of those crazy ceasars with like a shrimp and a string bean and meat and an umbrella in it. The man at the next table is seated in a way that he sees it coming. Once it's set down and I thank the waiter, he turns to me, as I'm taking my first sip and says "well, that's a meal in a glass, isn't it?" I snort, and almost choke on my ceasar, since I realize it's Bale. I apologize and say 'Lord, that wasn't very classy, but I guess I'm not very classy since it's not a very classy drink!" We both laugh. He then asks what it is exactly, I explain it's a canadian phenomenon.

This strikes up a conversation about things which are distinctly canadian. He tells me he has
just arrived in town, he is moving here since he and wifey have split up, and he can't bear to see her regularily like he will in LA. She's decided to become a porn star, he confesses after too many martinis, and that bothers him since she was such a 'cold fish' with him. So he's looking for a fresh start and loves the city. He asks me for suggestions about what to see and do 'from a local, not that yorkville area where the rich people are' point of view. I take him on a tour of the city which on this night, ends up with us making out in the back booth of the Green Room above Future bakery.
Afterwhich of course we retire to my room at the King Eddy.

I'm so good at it. It is sick. I've got a mental PROBLEM I am telling you.


Man, you ARE good at this, and besides some kind of ridiculous occurrences (he slides down a makeshift fireman's pole??), which were obviously written
under pressure, I'm pretty impressed.